I'm sorry my penis didn't work
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I stole a fireplace last night.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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