pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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