I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Randomize
