Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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