You're so nebulous sometimes
oh god the rape fog is back!
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Randomize
