But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Say something about gay babies.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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