I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Randomize
