my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
