im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
