I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
not ubering you a puppy
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
