Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
