i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
