Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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