Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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