People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
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