The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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