I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
