Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
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