we made out on top of his cat.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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