Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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