i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
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