I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
