I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
They are going to name an STD after you.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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