My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
