Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
