So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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