There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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