I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
