I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
