you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Randomize
