They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
