I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
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