My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
