i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
