Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
