We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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