So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
