Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
