He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
