Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
tell me about the eggs
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
