you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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