i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I think my fart just growled at me.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
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