I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
He's a Shit stain on my heart
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Randomize
