Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
