tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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