Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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