Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Sorry about my life...
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
