I wish my penis had an off switch
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
