he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
