My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Too much gin, very little bucket
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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