im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Randomize
