i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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