we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Randomize
