dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Randomize
