Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
The air was thick with penises
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
